You ever just have one of those bad days at school or work, where you just came home and cried your fucking brains out? No? Who cares, it’s my blog, and I did so I’ll write about it. Well firstly, It’s a shit day, pretty ugly outside, dark…depressing, and I’m lonely. I hate this shit, a nice guy like me can’t find anyone (decent) to have as a girlfriend. I’m sick and tired of shit for God’s sake. I do nothing but be nice, share, and treat others with respect. And this is the reward I get. It’s not even like I really need or want anything big. It’s just that I’m lonely, sad and just finished crying into my pillow to Evanescence. YES DAMMIT EVANESCENCE, I SAID IT, GET OVER YOURSELF.
If I sound like a girl, there’s no doubt that my testosterone level dropped by at least half when I did that, but it matters not. Everyone needs to cry every now and then. I need a god damned iPod. I’m sick and tired of being sad. I don’t understand how these fucking Emo assholes live with themselves, as if THEY have serious problems. I don’t either, my problems are small peanuts compared to some kid in Somalia. But that’s not the point. I’m still crying while writing this, it’s hard to listen to this band and not cry if you’re already in a touchy mood. Like a spark to a powder keg. I totally just wish I wasn’t so mature for my age. Here I am, this god damned adolescent, thinking about serious love and relationships.
I hate myself for that. I mean, I’m sitting here crying at God knows what…and..whatever, no point in writing, who’s going to see this? WHO? WHO OUT THERE WILL READ THIS THAT CAN HELP ME??!?! No one, no one can help me. I’ll be lonely and unloved for a while. I can’t do anything right. I can’t even fucking cry right, they get all stuck in my eyes and it hurts. Fuck this, fuck the world and fuck everything in it. If anyone wants to change my mind, act now. I don’t even want to play World of Warcraft right now, I just want to run away, run to a forest and never come back out. Never talk to another person again…never ever show anyone myself. What might have done this to me? Oh, well I suppose you haven’t tried being an awkward teenage boy sitting in a McDonald’s restaurant eating a burger and contemplating your sorrowful life as of recently, because if you have then we’re on the same page. Throw in hot girls and women, and countless crushes that are near impossible to attain, and you got yourself my situation. I sit here, helpless.
I think this has been brewing in me since yesterday actually. Since I had sat on the steps outside of my High School and watched this little bastard make out with this beautiful blond. I don’t know what it is she saw in him, but I stored that moment in the back of my head, locking it up and not thinking about it. I guess the loneliness sorta exploded. I’m tired of this shit called life, I’m not even Emo, I just am. Right now, I couldn’t care less about death as long as it’s quick. I never quite understood life. Why, whenever I wake up, must I be myself? Why was I born myself? I’ve stared at the clouds and looked out my windows on rainy days and said the same thing over and over. Why can’t I be someone getting good grades, a handsome white kid with a trust fund, and a hot chick for a girlfriend, instead I’m at the bottom of the fucking barrel. The very bottom. And there’s nothing I can do but stare up at the top of the barrel and wish I were up there. I know, my time will come, yadda yadda yadda…I don’t think so bud, not anytime soon.
Please, I seriously wish I could just find out the answer to my life’s future. I know, that the surprise of life is where the fun is, but I’ve never been one for surprises. Please, I don’t know if God reads blogs, but if he is…please just do something about this. Send me a sign of some sort…I sound crazy yes? Well, I am…Why must I be living this pathetic life through me. Why? WHY?!?! Jesus Christ, there’s a reason for everything, but making me feel like shit isn’t something favorable. Whatever, I can’t even masturbate. It’s fucking limp. If this weren’t a 400 dollar screen, I’d drive my fist through it. Horoscopes, fortune telling, all that bullshit…never works. I can’t say how many times I relied on those damned things and they drove a searing hot poker right into my spinal column. Honestly I just need someone to hold, someone who I can love, and someone who can love me. Someone respectable for Christ’s sake…if you read my last entry about fat chicks you’ll know what I’m talking about. I guess looking at white chicks can drive one crazy. Who knows, I won’t ever. I suppose my only destiny in life is to cry. Who gives a fuck. Some poor soul will end up reading this and wading in my own god damned sorrow…sorry to have put you through all this shit. My day will come, perhaps not now as I said earlier, but when it does, I’ll relish it.
And lastly, I guess all I can say is that…the fruits of my destiny are not to become flowers yet. When they do, if they ever do…I just wish I could see myself in the future, see who I’m with, where I’m working. I need a savior, I need my princess, I need something epic to happen…and fast, this quest is becoming boring, *winks eye* Whatever, I guess I’ll keep crying…I hate the facade I must put up though. Go to school, laugh, be happy, give people five, crack jokes, HAHAHA that Ziggy is so funny. Yeah well I’m also emotionally disturbed. Fucking shit, who cares. I just wish I was the one cradling the girl in my arms, not the one watching. But, whatever…maybe I’ll just order that Mail Order bride from Russia and keep her in a cryo chamber for two or so years. Life sucks and then you die, I concur…whole heartedly.
