My faith in God.

Living in this modern era and believing in God is a very difficult task to accomplish. Society, looks almost downward upon it and casts it aside as nothing more than mere foolishness. (By society, I refer to liberal areas of the United States, such as New York City.) Few people are believers and it pains me to think about that, but my faith in God had been renewed ever since last summer. Perhaps it was having my wonderful girlfriend brought to me like an angel. Maybe…but I think it’s more so in the amazing daily guidance God and religion ( I am a rather devout Catholic) brings to me.

Many people use the justification to prove God isn’t real by asking, “If he’s real, why doesn’t he stop all pain and suffering, and make everyone happy.” The answer to that is simple. God doesn’t simply give to you things and does not maintain control over every aspect of life. People should realize that we call him “Our Father” for a reason. What would a father be if he carried us throughout our lives on his back and fed you, until the day he died? Where would you be left then? You wouldn’t know how to walk, provide for yourself, or even eat without being fed.

So quite simply, I prefer to look at it, in the way that God simply provides a guiding force. An inspiration, to carry out the things in life that you need to get done. He provides a light for the dark times in your life. A force that holds your soul together even in the toughest of times. I know this well. Over the last summer, shortly before meeting Beatrice, I had become massively depressed. My mental state was becoming increasingly unstable and quite frankly, I was close to suicide. But when I got on my knees that one late night, early morning, and looked up and prayed all night…literally, I felt something that made me sleep easier than any night I ever had.

Sure enough, I awoke the next morning, and found in my email a notification, telling me that Beatrice had sent me that first fateful message on espinthebottle.com. I didn’t know it at the time, but that girl…deemed with the name that means “Blessed woman, bringer of joy” would become the saving force in my life. She would be an angel embodied in a beautiful, and intelligent, girl living in Manhattan. Since that day, my faith in God had been renewed. Many people prefer to think about my situation as a mere coincidence…but when you’ve been to where I’ve been, maybe then you could understand why this has a spiritual connection for me.

Depression is something I have to deal with constantly. It’s a fight against the darkness, against the devil himself. And everyday I have to hold myself together…fighting back insane thoughts about my girlfriend cheating on me, or lying to me, or not caring for me. I have to fight. I have to fight, and the only way I stand a chance…is with God on my side. He always was on my side, but I never realized it before and disowned him. I didn’t want to have any part in him. But I realized the error in my ways, and perhaps I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for God. I do believe, had Beatrice not entered my life at such a timely moment, I would’ve committed suicide a long time ago, and there would be no more for me.

Both God and Beatrice have inspired me to fight for my future. Fight for the future I want for myself, and for Beatrice. I do wish to spend my life with her. If that’s in the cards, then so be it. I love her. And as long as she loves me back, I’ll always love her. This relationship is something special for teenagers. Sometimes it feels like we’re not really teenagers with the vows we exchange. But I can see that the both of us are mature enough to come to an understanding about our strong feelings for each other. I just hope she means what she says, because I know that I do. I guess in short, God has helped me a long way through my life, without me knowing it. And then that one day, Beatrice entered my life and I hadn’t been able to stop thanking him and praying to him since.

My long emotional trip.

Since the last entry in August of 2007, I have experienced much. Much in terms of life, and emotion, and almost every aspect of life. I’ve become almost a new person. Not only in appearance, but in mentality as well. Although there are some things about me that remain still unchanged. I would like to first start off this entry by addressing how many variations of pain, pleasure, joy, love, and ecstasy I’ve felt since meeting my girlfriend.

During the first few months, things were absolutely swell (however, in no way am I saying that they aren’t now. Things just seem to be a bit…tarnished in a way, can’t really explain it.) In terms of my relationship, it was perfect. We made love many times, said “I love you” an infinite amount of times, and cuddled with each other like every moment was our last. But as of the last few months, my feelings have turned from complete infatuation, to a sort of mild paranoia. I believe it’s out of worry and care for Beatrice, but something in me tells me it’s also a fear of having her cheat on me. I must be a very weird guy to have such effeminate concerns such as my partner cheating on me.

Truth is, I’m not a saint either, but in a dedicated relationship, I try to maintain control over myself…and honestly, the girl is all I really need in my life. All I really want. I love her with all my heart, and she’s put me through the wildest emotional trip I’ve ever felt. A mix of pain, passion, and pleasure. All in one ball of emotion. It’s a pretty odd thing we’ve got going, seeing  as she lives in New York City, and I in New Rochelle. It works, but it’s difficult. Actually more difficult than I’d imagined. It creates unimaginable amounts of pain and anguish to not be able to see her the whole week until the weekend. And as of recently, due to her school work, I haven’t been able to see her too often.

The worry stems from my slightly warped mentality. I do have it in my genes to have paranoia and some schizophrenia, although I do not have the latter. I have mild forms of paranoia at times, and it drives me to depression (something I probably do have but can keep control over without doping myself half to zombie-ism) I worry about her. I worry about her talking to another guy and not being satisfied. I worry about many things, but it’s mostly my loneliness that gets to me and deteriorates my thought process. When I spend time with her (most notably our Seven month Anniversary on the 2nd of March) it’s simply some of the best times I’ve ever had.

Admittedly, there was a period of several weeks, where I had taken interest in a new girl. Perhaps not quite seriously, indeed just for lusty foolishness…fortunately, nothing was ever consummated and I put an end to my rashness abruptly, and came to my senses, just as of recently, right before our Seven month anniversary. I guess my mind gained control over itself. Maybe the extreme thoughts of losing her to another guy made me realize just what a precious girl she is to me. Just how much of my life is constituted by her, and supported by her very love. I awoke from my misty haze, I would guess. And I’m glad I did, had I not…undoubtedly she would’ve left me.

We had a very tender and rather emotional time on March 2nd, rather fitting since it was our seven month marker. I cried. I cried and held her like a little girl. I cried many tears (all this happening while the amazing band “Switchfoot” was playing. Great band, I’ll do a separate article on  great Christian Alternative rock bands.) We were laying in bed, and I was looking down at her, and I guess this one song evoked so much emotion within me that I just had to say what I had been holding inside. I professed my love to her, among many other emotional sentiments, stating how much I loved her. And I cried. She cried immediately after I began crying and we just held each other.

That day was notable for it’s absolutely amazing sex as well, however I do not think I need to extend my article about how good the sex was, beyond the point that it was very passionate, very cinematic, and very…perfect. It was the way we used to have sex, and now…I think I’ve redeemed her love in me. At least I hope so. I pray so. My worries exist more than ever, but I try to quell them with silent prayer. God is always listening, and thats why I love him.