Before I attempt to go to sleep despite my troubles, I wanted to release a few more of my emotions. I’m coming along quite well in my recovery and things seem to be evening out. I’ve been talking with Rachel, and it seems the only thing left for me to conquer, is this dreaded feeling I have, and know I will have for what feels like it’ll be a long time. The feeling, is no longer the sadness of being left alone in this world. No. It’s something else. It’s having to wake up every morning, and from every nap, and realize that for the first time, the nightmare is both in and out of my sleep. I can’t wake up anymore and say; “Thank Goodness, it was only a nightmare!” Now I tell myself to stay the fuck asleep because if I wake up it’s worse.
I never thought things would turn out like this, and I certainly didn’t want them to. But I guess that’s just life. Mine more specifically. But what do I expect. Now that my life has been effectively ruined and left to burn and rot in the sun, I have to find some way to drag my carcass back into recovery and see if there’s anyway possible to fix this situation, and end it quicker. I’ve tried my best to forget and hide or delete anything that reminds me of my past, but there’s only one thing left. My own thoughts. My own subconscious and conscious thoughts. Things I can’t destroy unless I died. Thing I can’t just erase, lie in my brain, and my thoughts. Things more harrowing than any picture of me and my ex sharing a kiss in the park. Things more harrowing, than a love letter which has no meaning, and never did.
If only there was such a thing as a memory wiper, that could delete a portion of your memory, but only the stuff you’d want to remove. Pretty ridiculous. But, whatever. I’m trying to analyze myself, and probe, exactly why the hell I even feel the way I should. It’s natural, yes. But I think I can manage to cut this shorter than it has to be, by simply acknowledging what’s happened, and leaving it behind me forever. I guess, this is similar to handling the death of a family member. Acceptance and whatnot. It sure as hell killed a lot inside of me. But I’m done with this whole thing, I can’t do anything anymore and I’ll never be seeing her again. Let bygones be bygones. I’m finished. Now it’s time to start work on reconstruction, and recovery.
I’d like to thank both Rachel, and Anthony, again. For both being such fantastic friends. Don’t know what I’d do without you two.
