Plans for my future.

So I thought it’d be appropriate to draft a list of ideas for my future, a sort of plan if you would. I’ve drafted a new plan, or at least a new branch of a general outline I’ve had for a while now. I suppose due to the current circumstances I’ve been provided, I’ve had an additional burst of encouragement to create a new strategy, and hopefully be able to follow through with it.

Firstly, I’m contemplating taking Psychology at Marymount Manhattan College (Yes, it is located in the Upper East Side of Manhattan, the neighborhood my ex lives in…however, I felt this would be an appropriate challenge to me to face this memory and study and live in a neighborhood I very much so like to be in. Expensive, yes. Achievable…yes.) I also felt this would be good because of the general type of people in this neighborhood. I seemed to have taken a liking (if only for a little while) to one of it’s residents, and I suppose I can do it over again and hopefully more successfully this time around. Although compared to this fiasco, I think nothing short of a hurricane would be more successful. I guess I just like well educated people. Also the area is real nice and convenient. Lots of things to do and many places to eat. I won’t let one person deter me from living my dream.

There was a point where I thought my dream would include my ex in it. That we’d be living happily ever after in the city and working. Like some sort of TV show. But I suppose that person will be someone else now, because not in the rest of my natural human life will I ever revisit her, even only as a friend. So yes, I figured I would take Psychology, since I want to be a Detective. It could potentially help. And it’s a nice little liberal arts college, not the cheapest, but affordable. Twelve to one student to teacher ratio. I was always told by my guidance counselor a small liberal arts college would be the place I would succeed in best, since I do operate best in a close knit environment. Plus it looks like some seriously hot bitches go to this school.

That’s pretty much the only new part of my plan. I still want to enter the NYPD, and become a Detective. Hopefully work in the Crime Scene Unit. I just am not limiting myself to John Jay College anymore. In fact, it’s become a secondary now. Sure, it specializes in Criminal Justice, but I think I’d rather put myself before my college life. Besides, you don’t even need to major in Criminal Justice to be a Police Officer, so it doesn’t really matter. I guess I figured in two or so years, I’d like to revisit the neighborhood I loved so much during the stint of seven or so months that I somewhat lived there. But in reality, it’s not just the sights and places I want to see. It’s falling in love. If I can do it once, I’ll be damned if I can’t do it again. And this time around it may actually be true love, and not some gigantic lie where all I was, was some sort of test dummy.

Okay, I’ll bite.

Okay, Beatrice, my lovely ex. You win. You’ve won. I’ve no other choice but to stop blaming myself now. I’m not having anymore of this bullcrap. I won’t lose my life and will to live it just because you left me. Maybe it was sitting in the lobby of my school listening to Breaking Benjamin’s song “Breath.” Maybe it was sitting there and realizing just how ridiculous it is of me to go about my life this way any longer. I’m sixteen, and just as you said, I need to experience life. I’m finished with this sadness. You can forget that, I’m far beyond that now. Thanks to Rachel, Anthony, and all the other people who helped my ass along the way through, I see that I just need to fight.

And that’s what I intend on doing. Fighting to take my life back and win this war between myself and my emotions. And I will. Eventually, but I’ll do it. Because I just realized that despairing and crying over this whole thing won’t solve anything. I’ll face the emotions I feel and I’ll overcome them. I would like to thank not only my friends, but also Breaking Benjamin for this awesome song that I heard on this YouTube video of NYPD Emergency Service Unit photos/videos. It inspired me to fight for the goal I want in life. To be happy, and do what I can to help others. I can’t help others if I’m incapacitated myself. I thank you Beatrice. I thank you for igniting the flare inside of me to fight and push forward to succeed. To prove to myself that I don’t need you to win. To prove to myself that the only person who is capable of getting me forward in life, is me.

You’re right. Chris Crocker does have a point. Even if that faggot takes it in the ass, he sure as hell got one thing right. Nobody will be able to love me, or care for me, or get me anywhere in life, but me. Nobody will be able to love me the way I want to be loved. Maybe if I meet my soulmate, but even then. What can they do for me other than say “Yes”, marry me, and have my children? Can they force my brain to fight, my soul to burn in rage and inspiration to keep forging ahead? No. They can SAY they want me to succeed. They can give me a kiss and hold me, make me feel good. But they can never, ever, do anything for my life to get me ahead. And I learned this the hard way. Sometimes you have to lose some to gain some. This is the perfect example.

I was starting to become lost and so worried about my ex, that my mind was becoming clouded, and my judgment and school work became impaired as well. I had so many worries and fears. Whether she was with another guy, or saying “I love you” to someone else. And whether she was or wasn’t isn’t the issue anymore. Ever since breaking up, I must say. On top of the rush of anger and sadness, I felt freed. Freed from the pain of having to worry about silly things. One person counts right now. Me. Just me. Sure, I love helping other people, and I want to be a police officer, and I want to save babies from burning buildings and women from getting raped, but right now…I have to focus on me, before I can focus on anyone else. And thank you, my dearest Beatrice, you showed me this very important fact.

So if its any comfort to you, you’ve provided me with a kick in the ass that I needed. I was being stupid, foolishly infatuated with you to an unhealthy extent. I should have worried about myself, and taken cared of the one person that counts in my life. Me.