Lookin’ for love.

It’s been a while since I’ve had to go out and start searching for some lovin’, but it seems It’s something I better get used to doing if I want any. It’s pretty rare for any to come to me, although that’s the only way I’ve experienced any so far in my life. But I have a feeling the next few chapters in my life are going to be a tad more, interesting and challenging to say the least. I do think I’ll have to put myself out there more, and use all these self appreciation methods I’ve learned over the course of a few months to help myself be more of an attractive target. Experience tells me success will be virtually impossible, seeing as I don’t really have any more sources to go to. My school? Well, my school is a piteous case in terms of dating and trying anything there would just be foolish. The internet you say? Chances of scoring as luckily (in terms of location and general personality, not in the long run) as I did with my ex, not likely.

I mean, most of the girls on Espinthebottle are either Emo (I hate emos, for your information) or trash from Long Island or something. Not really my gig you see. There’s always Facebook but I don’t think any of the girls I’ve added or have added me would want anything to do with me, especially the ones that know my ex (which is most of them.) It’s a very unfortunate predicament I’ve been set into. I’m lookin’ for a Manhattan girl, and I ain’t got nowhere to start tryin’ to get one since I’m pretty much in a rock and a hard place now. I do wish something would drop right onto my lap like it did with my ex, but chances are slim to none for that to happen. I’ve tried other Teen dating websites, but they’re all mostly the same case as Espinthebottle. Trash and Emos.

I mean, how hard is it to find a well educated, open minded, caucasian girl from the big city, around my age, that would want to date me? Apparently it’s very hard, and especially if you live where I do. I know I’ll have higher rates of success once I’m living in the city, but that’s just obvious. The more hang out spots, and potential girls to date, the higher the chances of succeeding. But for now, I’m miles away from the city and stuck behind a computer screen hoping for the best. Maybe I oughta just sit back and relax and not worry about the whole thing. Just wait for my time to come.

You know, this whole self love thing is a real toughie, I must say. It’s hard to think you’re not ugly when all you’ve ever known is that fact. It may be easier for some people to love themselves, most notably people who get messages over Facebook and on their phone salivating and sending stupid comments like “omg ur soooo hot” or wanting to hook up with them, to love themselves, because they have…validation All I ever get are crazy girls commenting weird shit on my pictures such as “omg your so hot i wanna lick u” like my ex’s acquaintance, Niki, who in my honest opinion, doesn’t know or mean three quarters of anything she says, period. I don’t get any validation on my looks, or anything truthful at that.

All I’ve ever heard was “You’re not ugly!” From my ex, and this is the same person who said “I love you” an hour before breaking up with me. So ya think I’m in a difficult position in deciding what’s true and what’s false? Well, I would give up trying to find a date if I were a lesser man but there’s a throbbing sensation in me that just needs to get out and do something with someone I can love and hold, over the weekends. Call me co-dependent. I don’t give a flying fuck. That’s me. Maybe the next person I date will get to know me a little better and make a judgement before seven months have gone by, so as I won’t have put so much faith in them. Or as the old saying goes, “Placed all my eggs into one basket.” How true that is, I guess you can’t argue with wisdom, huh?

Heh, personality report.

Well I just finished up this ol’personality report on this website my school is using to “network” colleges, and professions for students in order that they can plan ahead of time for both of these, and find out what they need to succeed in both college, and career. I took an extensive test, which was rather accurate, although not completely since I’m a rather diverse person that can change on a dime between Cold hard and factual, and imaginative, inspired, and caring. In truth, I am all of the things this report says, and capable of much much more. It can’t really capture the dynamics of my personality. While this may be how I am in my casual life, in no way does this reflect how I am when I set my mind to something, such as my future profession of being a Detective, or performing tasks in school. Here it is.

“People like you are rare. You are a unique and creative person who tends to march to the beat of your own drummer. Private, quiet, and socially cautious, only friends who know you very well may ever see your more playful and expressive side. In fact, it takes awhile for you to feel comfortable with new people so you may often be described as somewhat reserved. But inside, you are a person of great feeling and care deeply for the people and causes that are dear to your heart. Your personal values are most important to you so you always try to make choices that you feel good about. You are rarely willing to compromise on anything that is really important to you. You can sometimes become overwhelmed by the intensity of your emotions, and your relationships need to be free of conflict or tension for you to remain in them.

You are also a highly imaginative person and may enjoy expressing yourself through the arts. But since you are also somewhat of a perfectionist, you may have trouble hearing constructive criticism without taking it personally. You are quick to understand the deeper meaning of things, and often have a fresh or original take on events and people. Since you prefer by nature to act spontaneously, you resist too many rules or too much structure. And you may also have trouble staying organized or making decisions. At heart, you are a non-conformist and must find the path that is really right for you, even if it means striking out alone.”

It’s correct, but I have many grievances with it. Firstly, this sounds like me a while back. I’ve learned to be able to switch off easily between the old me, and the new decisive, practical, and quite structured self. I don’t like that this brands me as some sort of loose looney bin that has no sense of planning or punctuality. While this is true in some cases, it most definitely is not when it comes down to something I love. Such as Police Work, or anything else that interests me. And yes, I can be a bitch about being criticized, but really no more than anyone else. Here’s how they tried to sum up my strengths and weaknesses.

“Your strengths may include:

Impressing people as someone with strong values and convictions.
Communicating well one-on-one.
Expressing yourself well in writing.
Being an attentive listener.
Demonstrating an interest in and broad grasp of big issues.

Your blindspots may include:

Being too idealistic and setting unrealistic goals.
Not being particularly well organized.
Becoming defensive if you perceives you are being challenged.
Not following through on important details and deadlines.
Being less than 100% accurate with facts.”

The strengths are mostly true, but the blindspots? Hmph, I don’t think in my life I’ve ever been idealistic about anything. Perhaps pessimistic if it comes down to things. Not being organized? Sometimes, depends. I can be extremely organized or not so much. I always follow through on important details and deadlines, and I’m always one for being truthful with the facts. This test seems to have been split down the middle, and that irks me. It summed me up in a general manner, but in no way does this reflect how I would perform in a professional environment or with others. I am a team player (more like a team leader.) And I have extremely high work ethics and morals that I hold for myself and others.

All in all, it’s quite accurate, however it’s only a test and can never capture the nuances of the human brain. More specifically, my own brain, and my own personality. Ask anyone, and you’ll likely hear many conflicting reports as to my personality, my strengths and weaknesses, and how I present myself. I’m a dual edge weapon my friends,one edge is the romantic and soft emotional/caring, and one edge is the cold hard practical/factual and I know how to apply either side, or both of them when the situation calls for it, and when it’s appropriate. All in all, while this report may seem like it’s deterring me from making my decision to be a Detective, I think I have what it takes in every respect to be one, and excel and be happy in my position.