Alone on a Sunday night.

Perhaps one of the joys I got from being in a relationship with my ex, was coming home after a weekend at her place and being able to go to sleep on Sunday night without any worries at all. I mean, there were the usual worries, but the worry of being alone was not there, and the worry of thinking about possibly being alone for a long time, wasn’t there either. I think the only reason I managed to sustain the relationship without dumping her for a few more weeks, aside from my massive amount of patience with her, was also my fear of being alone. I was afraid of being alone. I’m not afraid anymore, it’s just…bothersome to be alone I suppose. I know there are so many more people out there that never even experienced what I have yet, but thats all the more better for them because they don’t have anything to miss.

I really just need someone to love. That’s just my nature. I need to be able to hold someone and have them call me up and hear them say “I love you (and MEAN it, God dammit.)” I need that connection in life. I guess people operate on different levels. Some people can just cut themselves off from that emotional need for someone else. Others, can’t. I’ve managed to cut myself off from the emotions that were clinging to my ex, but these…these emotions I can’t just stop and forget about them, like I did to my ex. Here I sit, listening to a new Moby album I got, very content with myself for having done so (by the way, a brand new Moby album is coming out soon, can’t wait for that.) And all I can think about, is how lonely next weekend will be. How lonely and how sad will I be then. Hopefully I won’t be. Alot can happen in five days. But five days in my life, are nothing more than a slow, painful, and lonely crawl to the weekend. A crawl in hopes of surviving the loneliness and making my way out of it.

I can’t wait for my future. I really can’t. I just know I’ll be the happiest man alive, if I can make all my career and college wishes come true. I know it’ll be difficult to do, but I know if I can find that one special someone one day, then I’ll be happy. Truly…happy.

My brain hurts.

I really wish I could know everything there is to know and more in this world, because right now…my brain is hurting so much from all the recent activity it’s had to go through. From the breakup, to the now apparent and very scary messages I’m getting in my Honesty Box on Facebook. One recent message I’ve received apparently tries to imitate my ex and asks for oral. Now, it’s obviously not her, because for one…I blocked her, and secondly, the grammar is different, and lastly, my ex probably doesn’t even remember or care about who I even am anymore. These messages are really starting to freak me out, and I guess it’s what I get for trying to find a date or something, but whatever the case is…it’s quite entertaining.

I’ve found a couple of other ones too, mostly from the month of February. All of them seemingly commenting on how “hot” I am, and whatnot. Now, if only I could find a date/relationship as easily as I get these weird comments, right? Right…one can only dream.