Friday to Friday, 24/7

So it’s late Friday night, 1:34 in the morning. I’ve been living my life Friday to Friday ever since losing what I thought was love in my life. I can’t complain, and yet it’s nothing to write home about. As you probably know, as a person I need to fulfill certain goals in order to keep reasonably sane. I need to be able to be doing something that helps somebody, and I need to be secure in an intimate relationship. Right now, I can only do what little (although every bit counts) I can to help anybody, but the irony in this is that I can’t even help myself. The weeks past have been nothing more than repeat performances of the same damn gig and it’s getting to be quite annoying, to say the least.

I’m okay with routines, in fact I love them. But this one in particular seems to be persistent in it’s stay. That is, everyday I try and find love through some scheme of mine, whether it be using internet dating, or texting a few people in hopes of starting something. But it seems like it just ain’t happening, no matter what I do. Probably best that it don’t for my own good, but I need love dammit. And I need it soon. My weeks have been filled with chronic insomnia, constant daydreaming and fantasizing, and much shattered dreams. I just wanna know what the hell I’m doing in life. What am I doing right now? Sitting up late, eyes bloodshot…wondering what I can do to repair all the broken shit in my life. Whether it be my God damn math grades and worrying about getting into the college I want (Or rather NOT being able to, however being turned down and denied is not new to me.) Or worrying about if I’ll ever find what I need in life. Love.

You know, I’m not really bothered by being lonely though. It’s actually comforting in some odd way. I’m safe and secure in my lonesome. Nobody to bother me, nobody to break my heart, and nobody to lie to me. Experience tells me people tend to do all of those things to each other. So maybe it’s best I stay away from the whole thing for a little while. Just be a quiet observer of it all. Just waiting for my shot. Anyhoo, I’m listening to this amazing band called The Black Keys. If you have not heard of them, go and listen to them. They bring back the funky 60’s Nam era rock and blues. Much akin to Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin. They win my award of best band ever.

The long painful road.

So, as I promised, here’s a little rundown on all the little updates and occurrences in my life as of recently. Nothing much has happened since my last post. In fact, it’s mostly just been the same deal. Although yesterday we went to the County Jail in Valhalla, NY and that was quite a fun trip. Although I don’t think I’d ever consider a job as a Corrections Officer. Those guys are some brave bastards. Anyway, my life since the last post has basically consisted of chasing a dream. A wild and probably unachievable dream. I’ve talked with many girls, been disappointed many times…and basically I feel like I’m running around in circles, or like I’m a fucking hamster running in a wheel. I don’t know what to do. Everytime it seems like I’m on a major breakthrough with one of these girls, something sets me back. Whether it be their personality, or time, or just distance in general.

It seems to me like I’m being toyed with but whatever, I can’t expect the world. Most of these girls I barely know anyway, and it’s not like I should be able to snap my finger and have them at my feet in an instant, although that’d be nice. Honestly though, it doesn’t really fucking matter to me. I’m loving my life and I think I’ve become a more secure person out of the whole thing. I really changed and matured since my ex dumped me. I was a child when I dated her. And it’s a good thing too because she gave me a little lesson or two. Perhaps an exaggerated one since I doubt very many girls have that amount of guys leaving messages and sending her text messages while I’m with her. Honestly, I didn’t love her. And I regret having fooled myself. I wanted to have the complete package you know? I wanted to feel like it was real, but it turns out the whole thing from day one was sexually motivated for myself, at least.

I wanted so desperately to feel like I was in a real relationship, and I would have these bouts of realization where I’d become depressed and realize to myself that not only was I lying to myself, but I was harming myself. I was locking myself in for security reasons. I’ve changed since then, I wouldn’t be afraid to just end something even if it meant losing that security I had gained. I was being selfish in a way. Selfish to myself. I was denying myself fun and opportunities and treating this like it was the relationship to end all relationships. Nothing feels better than not having to worry about someone like my ex. I’d gladly worry in a different way about a girl that I truly love, but I realize now the whole thing with my ex was a horrible, horrible mistake on my behalf. I was talking with my History teacher after school today and it came to me then and there what I’d done wrong.

After reviewing old chat logs between me and my ex, and thinking back to how fast everything moved, it was very clearly an immature relationship. I was after it for sex, and God knows what she wanted with me. I don’t even want to know. I can honestly say that I never really felt an emotional connection to her. When I saw her picture the first day I knew right then and there that I’d be getting laid soon, and I came to learn to love her in some odd way. I don’t even know how I did that really, I guess I’m just too damn nice. I mean, when I look at some girls, I’m not even aroused sexually by them, I just look at them and know that I would love them dearly, and truly.

My ex, when I looked at her, it was like looking at a sign that said “Free Sex here.” I deeply and sincerely regret having fooled myself and lied to her (although I don’t doubt she lied to me at times.) I don’t think I wouldn’t do it over, since I learned so much…but If I could approach it differently, I would. But other then that, my life moves on and I’ll keep fighting and trying until the death. Maybe one day, I’ll find the love I so need in my life and I can mend the wounds that have scarred my life for many many years now.